work

work. right. i work at panera... im there ALL the time. money is money though right? so i guess its alright...eventually. im just sick of saying " sorry i cant go out guys, i have to work" yuck. gorwing up isnt so fun sometimes : /

christmas time

hmm . i think my boyfriend is going to get me a puppy and i am extremely happy about that... however, i came back to school last night with him at around 8 pm and just sat in the parking lot in my car, facing the fb field and thought about her.my angel...my lissa. i miss her so much when things come up like christmas. i wanna get her something and i then i remeber that it will be of no use to her now. a moment of silence could not cover the silent screams and invisible tears that i live though on a day to day basis....continually mising you ocean eyes...always. < /3

christmas past

i remember that even though, i asked for alot of expensive gifts, and my mom bought me all of them, she also got me a pair of pajama pants. they were hot pink, with black scotty dogs on them and a black satin ribbon belt, and they were amazing. they were warm, soft and so pretty, that i wore them everywere. i still have them today and after all the christmas presents that cost a fortune, a ten dollar pair of PJ pants that were gorgeous, were my favorite gift of all times : )

something to believe in

christmas. now im not one of those critics...nor a person obsessed... but at this time of the year i always feel there is something to believe in. helping others, feeling the closest thing we have to magic- a good swing in mood of humanity....christmas cheer will never ever be absolved. and that is the best part about it all.

bringing him home

yep. the time that all parents dread. they know and love him... but now i bring him to thanksgiving....yes, the one and only blake sumner...my boyfriend. at dinner. with my parents...and everything. it will be fine and fun but still...it kinda makes me nervous even though hes all good with them and comes over frequently and all the stuff but ya know..............i guess its just the traditional idea of the fact that its thanksgiving with y boyfriend there. fun fun.

let the rain fall

rain. some of the best memories i have are in the rain. a first kiss with a guy who meant the world to me, dancing in the puddles with my friend jacob west, driving to ofast with melissa down a dark road with three days grace blaring and me yelling at her to slow down. we drive to a baseball field, and just ran around it until we slipped in the mud on top of each other and began laughing uncontrollably. Ive crie in the rain, sang in the rain, danced in it and played in it, had good times, bad times and every kind inbetween......but i love rain....it is, in a nutshell, the essence of life...............rain symbolizes every kind of day possible - happy rain, said, downpours and light sprinkles we need to make it through....rain is life. thats all there is : )

how low is low?

cheating. in a relationship. wow. im not exactly sure what to say about it..... i just experienced it first hand....and ya know i think i feel nautious...................just to think of those images in my head..........im a person who sees things as they are spoken... i get mentail images and they are never pretty......i dont even know what to say...im just gonna leave it at that and come back to comment on it when i have a greater insight.

friends forever? no... probably never.

so i have a best friend.....except only she isnt acting like one. i dont even know what her problem is. i absolutely hate it when she thinks she knows exactly how i feel or what im thinking when she is so far from it. she has never thought how it made me feel when she got the positions that i wanted....nor does she care. she also doesnt care that she treats me like crap half the time or doesnt even acknowledge my existance and all she wants to freaking do is be so absorbed in her boyfriend ( that she hasnt been with very long at all btw) and then expect me to make time for her at the last minute and i cant stand it... im so sick of her and i dont think i can handle her immaturity anymore and i just want an educated and mature best friend...stupidity can be fun to joke around with but when you play up your stupidity to be noticed by the guys or shove your body parts ( sorry mrs matthews) in their face and say that certain things on your body are bigger than mine just because my waist is smaller and it makes them jealous *takes deep breath*** well that makes me you a CRAPPY friend.
im so mad i dont have anything else to say today.

THIS IS HALLOWEEN

i
love
halloween.
it has always been my favorite holiday.... i get to dressup and goof off, watch scary movies and eat lots of candy.......get terrified .... all for hte fun of it. i love it. its almost here... of course... hat also means lissas would have been 18th bday................. which is depressing.... but ya know........ima try. i love halloween...NO DEEP THOUGHTS TODAY....just the terrifically terrifying truth to be shown on all hallows eve :D

THE PLOT THICKENS

AH HAH. there it is again....the confusion i call my life. lol. at least its not like....bad confusion....its kinda good...which i guess makes it bad? i dont even know. lol. im so confused but yet..... im still in a good mood about it which is notttt good. lol. tyler is amazingly hillariuos. he makes me laugh... i would write more into detail buttt billy is reading this as i go. lol. i just..........does it make any sense if i say that there is a tragically cute couple okay? the cute girl that is kinda bad but really has a heart of gold........................ and the bad guy... that isnt really a bad guy? make sense. i know im vague....... thats all i cna say at the moment.

the final countdown

halloween....its almost her birthday. err...whatever you wanna call it . she would have been 18 in 5 days........ 5 freaking days.... sorry mrs matthews i am using extreme self cencorship when i speak on this topic... i dont want to offend you. i just.... i am so lost... same topic for the past three blogs and i still cant get over it. i dont know what else to say. there is no deep though process this time... just pain. thats all i have left anymore... fake smiles.....faded memories....and mroe than enough pain. all that is inside of me.... is screaming very silently.

what a slum i am in

im in afunk. not the healthy kind that we all experience.......im alone. even when im not. my best friend that knew the most about me...shes gone. gone. i cannot wrap my head around it. my qoute for the rest of my life is as follows "once i realized she was really gone... i corrupted from within". nothing seems bright anymore... i try to look at life like she did...you do what you have to.... you live strong...STRONG. only im afraid i cant be strong without her here. im trying to ask my self what would melissa do? MY lissa...what would she do? i have no advice to take from her. none. i am hanging out here by myself....all alone and having nothing to do... im such a wimp that i cant even go to her death site.......i cant even man up enough to go see where she was at the end of her life......i guess all i can do is hold on. I'm gonna make it Lissa.....just gimme a lil while to adjust okay? im trying baby girl.

it is what it is

soooo life. its what it is i guess. i dont have anything else to say about it. theres the good...then the bad... i suppose im growing up enough to see that you just have to deal with both sometimes. i was having a great week......even at work..........even at school..... and then i dreamt about her. Melissa ... MY lissa i mean. i dreamt about her.........what a beautiful nightmare. i read the letters we wrote each other that i had forgotten somewhere under my bed. how i told my other friends how close we were.....and i quote " that is why me and Melissa Ann are Best Friends.....we have been places together that you have only seen in your nightmares" and that is the truth.... and by god i miss her so much...... i dont think the world will ever be the same again..... i just......we were tough....i was tough when she ouldnt be and vise versa....and that was my counterpart....lissa was one of the few soulmates i had made in the world........that counterpart is gone and im left feeling weary, tired and weak. will this ever be okay again?

my fallen angel

She was beatiful, with the bluest eyes youve ever seen, and when that huge smile spread across her face....you knew that she had a diabolical plan....nothing too terrible of course... it was all just for laughs. She was always there....as you might expect... to help... or to knock some sense into you. She always told you the truth... no matter how much you didnt want to hear it. Crying shoulder... or to cry on yours......she was always there.....never too far away, even across the country..she was merely a message away....
my best friend
my fallen angel
Melissa Ann Shaw......forever 17.
Rest in Peace my Ocean Eyes

Iris

the song of the day- Iris: by the goo goo dolls. the song is so true. the lyrics read as follows:

id give up forever to touch you cuz i know tha youd feel the same way
your the closet to heaven that i'll ever be
and i dont wanna go home today ...
and i dont want the world to see me cuz i dont think that theyd understand when everythings meant to be broken i just want you to know who i am

the general part of the song (look up the rest)

the song makes me know that love is alive.
i mean, of course i already know, but what if everyone loved like this song... like in the movie the city of angels.... fall makes me think of romance...and when i think of romance, i question " who is it that i want to have an iris type love with?" and when you look deeper it isnt always the person you would think it is.

memories..all alone in the moonlight

so right. i guess im the typical melodramatic teenage girl..... i sit outside and reminisce of the things that changed and shouldnt.....er at least i think they shouldnt have. i sing love songs at the top of my lungs and cry every now and then......wishing that the past really was as glorious as my memory recalls it to be. I know that everything changes and that is the only guarantee in life, however it vexes me to know that i cannot be everything i want to be without loosing some of what i was. i cannot be everyones rock...everyones love.... everyones best friend...all while moving on in life.college and graduation are scary enough on their own...now im thinking about twenty years down the road. i dont want to loose those connections. i dont want to be forgotten.... i want to be a part of peoples lives still. kyla donielle bray wants to be remebered. but will that happen?

its not too late, its never too late

okay, so i definetley lovethat song and that is my song of the day. im sitting around, listening to it and thinking about how true it really is. if someone really loves you, then its never to late to try it out. college will always be there, dependent upon the situations, and life is always one big adventure with no deadline but death of course. so in a world where we attempt to live, laugh. love and and learn....which is the most important? can one push the other out of the picture? can taking a chance on a venture, or a romance in the sake of learning if you want that situation take away the opportunity to succeed at what you once had? is there really a deadline other than death? do other people think that there isnt the same way that i do> respond to this post... because i would like to see if everyone truly thinks that nothing limits you but death.

BRING IT ON ..........BATTLE OF THE BANDS

AHHHHH! im so excited! well... okay if you forgot, i am a senior color guard and i am EXTREMELY competative and i do flag and rifle........and saturday starts our competitive season. We have worked really hard so far and the freshmen are doing an outstanding job. I adore color guard with every bone in my body ( though i could do without some of the people associated with it....not neccesarily the members.... just.........some of the associates). First we go on for catholic's invitational and then we come home to host our own ( and my last : / ) invitational......good luck apollo.....god and everyone in the county area knows we have worked hard...and i dont know about the rest of my fellow senior band/guard members, but i say let's start with a spark...and go out with a bang

love is blind ... ?

yes. the answer is yes for me at least.so many people think there are restrictions on life...when really..its all up to you ..... however, i do not take it in the sense of attractiveness or not..... i mean ..... people need to learn to love who they love not based on what ther peoples opinions are....their sex....race.....love is love.... and i support love... not the restrictions that come along with it

what means the most

it makes me laugh....the differnt things that we hold important in our lives. Each of us have a certain thing that just....makes our heart beat. Now im not talking about a person...we all have the love of our lives, and our childhood friends... im talking about a thing........the one thing that your world revolves around that is not a human. Mine is extremely obviuos if you know me. It's quiet.......and soft, but angry and loud.....it can be colorful or full of weapons, on a field or in the bedroom, in a chair or with a standing ovation, watched, participated in or just faintly observed. it can be a background for any mood or the main course of the day.....it has its own personality, which changes quite frequently. it also takes meaning or sometimes makes no sense at all. if by now you havent guessed it, MUSIC is the love of my life. it can hold color, contain weapons and be on a field if it is at my marching band practice (Im a color guard so i have color in the flags and i spin rifle, which is a weapon), it can be the background as you carry on a conversation, and all the other tings are easily connected once you know what it is that i am talking about. MUSIC is the love of my life ( dont take any offense Blake :D )

this is the last post i have to have to have a good grade by friday

i like this whole blogging thing, dont get me wrong. it makes me feel better to get it all out, even if its only stress related. the problem is that i just told you everything. hence i am typing this so that i can have the minimum amount of blogs due for my english class tommorow so that i can get my grade up (its horrid right now because i forgot to turn in the one freaking assignment that she took a massive grade on......wish she wouldve graded the ones i did turn in... but its alright. thats my luck lately) so thats all.... woo hoo.... GO CLASS OF 2010 :D

am i dying?

the answer is no. Well, not physically at least. and right about now youre all thinking im crazy and wondering what in the world am i talking about. well... here it is. i just broke up with someone....not too long ago that is... like a couple of weeks. he was my best friend and the longest relationship i had ever been in. you can of course, imagine the emotional stress there. i have a new boyfriend, who is A MAY ZING. he is in college, having graduated from the same school i attend, this past may. he's going to school and taking general education classes and is getting his life figured out so that he can do something practical that will always be in demand (either psychology or physical therapy). Me on the other hand, i currently take culinary arts classes at the technical college on top of my high school curriculum....and i thought it was what i wanted to do. i still love to cook, but designing cakes and having my own company is starting to seem more and more impractical. i feel like i should take something........like business. i hate business....but you need it nowadays i suppose. my parents have never been to college, so they are telling me to take whatever it is that i want to do for the rest of my life, which isnt really hekping, only making it worse. the worst part is, if i am not going to stick with culinary arts, then i have wasted and opportunity to take a basic course at the community college that my boyfriend attends and now i will have to stay here at least a year longer after graduation than i thought i was going too, which epically sucks. if you have any advice.... if anyone even reads this that is, then PLEASE tell me something.... im dying out here by myself (hence the title)

why is it never me?

have you ever worked hard for something? i mean really truly tried and worked your butt off and then..... were told that you couldnt have it? its ridiculous to think that we hold such petty human grudges to the point where the one who deserves things arent given them what they worked for because someone is holding a grudge. its ridiculous ridiculous ridiculous.... and i cant handle it. ive tried so hard in color guard....for going on three years........... and i still have nothing to show for it. im not a captain.... i have no solo... the one solo i wanted was given to a freshmen...a very sweet and very talented freshmen... but nonetheless...she stil has years to have a solo... and im out of here in may..... all i am in this world.... is bitter.

kyla + blake = ?

so my bf is amazing.................butttttttttttttttt i feel like im falling oh so fast and i know that im young... and so is he..... i just..... i really think it might be....i dont know. its so strangely odd and oddly strange. I think the advantage is that i am a senior in high school and he graduated and we are more mature. We are trying to start our lives ya know and i think that is a plus. I dont know... i guess its all starting to unravel.......................... askjdaksjdlaksjdlasjdalksjdlajsdlajsd we'll just see

Define " family" ...?

family.....typically including your parents and siblings right? well have you ever sat down and thought about what family truly means? I am not one of those teenagers that is anti family....nor am i one that plays up the interest in friday night fun time with the 'rents just so i can seem like a good kid. All in all, i think family is defined by the way the person treats you and the relationship between you, not by the DNA involved in the situation. I have multiple friends that i consider family, who have been with me through so many situations that i cannot even post or speak publicly about. Of course, so has my mother, and my sister, brother, grandparents, etc. But your friends are your family sometimes.... the ones who are there and claim you. Family means that you never leave them on their own even when they think they can take care of themselves. Family to me means that you will stick by them for eternity, even when there are miles between you and differences you may have.....you can even throw a couple dozen arguements in the mix....but your true FAMILY will never be defined in your bloodline, but in the relatinoships that you hold with others.

A DAY IN THE LIFE

HMM we dont have a topic for today.......so im gonna tell you what i did today. First, i overslept a little. Then, I went to tech and then went to panera and got on the internet ( i work there) then i went to school (my high shcool) and started my classes there. i then went to algebra and i am now sitting in english. then after the bell rings i will go to practice for guard and then hopefully to the movies with blake. yeahh thats all i got for now. peace.